Wednesday, November 5, 2008

About A Boy

"Fall not in love.
It will stick to your face."

I've been thinking lately about the different men/boys/guys who have affected my life. Specifically, ex-boyfriends.

-I guess we have to start with M. But, the first time around didn't necessarily change me much. I think it gave me some confidence in myself, despite my overly-tall awkward Amazonian figure at a premature age.
-The various guys between 9th and 10th grades: Dan P & C, G, E, (am I forgetting someone?). Not a whole lot taken away from these "relationships", not really even many memories.. lol Sad. Alas.
-And then there was Ryan. Oh, dear Ryan. I remember the first time I saw him, at that end-of-the-year Vignette meeting before summer, to meet the new would-be Sophomores on the staff. Me and Kayleigh leaned to eachother and said "Look, we have a new guy! Hope he's not gay.." (the irony.) Ryan was an overachiever, straight-A student, involved in so many things.. he helped me open up. He encouraged me to try out for Guys and Dolls, and fight for a lead part. He gave me confidence to actually perform that lead role. He gave me butterflies. He loved his mom, treated her well. We sang together, we were that perfect high school couple everyone wanted to resent but couldn't, because they loved us. He showed me, and the memory continues to show me, that it is possible to find someone who actually feels the same about me as I do about them.

-Juanfer. He taught me that I can actually be literally swept off my feet. But that when that happens, it's mostly the charm rather than actual true feelings that gets to me. When it comes down to a real relationship, I don't need to be swept off my feet.

-M., take two. He taught me I can easily allow myself to think I'm in love with someone because they're in love with me. He taught me there *are* good guys in the world, but that just because a guy is decent doesn't necessarily make him automatically "the one". He taught me that I'm capable of breaking someone's heart.

-JD - Again, there are good guys in the world, but just cuz he's a good guy doesn't mean he's the one. And, I really don't like casual relationships.

-EW. Unfortunately, cheesy as this sounds, he taught me about love at first sight. He taught me about feeling so happy you literally can't contain it, and can't help but just laugh out of pure happiness. He taught me about confusion, and most of all, about what it feels like to have a broken heart. He helped me learn how to keep my feelings in control. How to separate myself from that side of me. Because you have to, to survive. He made me learn how to stand up for myself. He gave me a need to be clear on motivations and objectives.
He showed me how blurry the lines that separate "relationship" from "non-relationship" can be.
He taught me that maybe love doesn't go away, but just because you love someone doesn't make them right for you.
He taught me about speaking my mind. He made me realize that there are people in the world who I can communicate with who'll understand what I'm saying, and know I don't mean to judge and I won't be judged. That there are people who can appreciate my bizarre gift of innately understanding someone. He taught me how to forgive, too.
He is still teaching me how to have a truly loyal friend and how to be one in return.

I don't need someone to sweep me off my feet. I don't need someone to lead me, and I certainly don't want someone who can only follow me. I need someone who is firmly grounded, who has his own opinions and doesn't need to rely on mine. I won't settle for someone who doesn't make me feel. Who comes around and is just so friggin awesome that he blows all my walls down. Who sees me through my reserve.

I don't want to have reservations. I want to feel like I know I can feel.

But maybe not yet.